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The Ron Report Archives
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Charlotte – League officials and members of the Carolina Panthers were shocked to discover that one of their
fellow teammates was embroiled in a class action law suit filed by over 200,000 plaintiffs, who all coincidentally own Steve
Smith in their respective fantasy football leagues. Apparently the suit was in response to the injury suffered by four-year
starter Jake Delhomme, and interestingly not against Steve Smith, whose performance over the past two weeks has relegated
him to the status of an average paraplegic division III white wide receiver. The player in question who is the central figure
in this litigious dispute is none other than David Carr, formerly of the Houston Texans, and current member and spokesman
for Vidal Sassoon.
“That son of bitch has cost me two fantasy games consecutively,” complained Todd Yousan, a 35-year-old gas
attendant from Houston TX (and currently residing in his mother’s basement). Fantasy Football owners across the U.S.
have echoed the same concerns after an elbow injury that Jake Delhomme suffere in Atlanta against the 0–3 Falcons.
“At first I was all excited when I heard he’d get in,” Mandich Hardawi, president and single member of the
official David Carr fan club. “I mean I’m as shocked as anyone. It appears that either this guy doesn’t
know how to get the ball into the hands of Steve Smith or the coaching staff keeps calling plays telling him to run towards
the sideline and throw the ball out of bounds”.
The plaintiffs in the class action law suit are said to be seeking damages in the amount of $2.5 million for the pain and
mental anxiety they have had to suffer after seeing their top fantasy football wide receiver post 3 points or less in consecutive
weekends. Steve Smith’s sudden plummet in productivity has not gone unnoticed to players in the NFL including Steve
Smith himself. “I actually had to cut myself after I heard David was going to be the QB,” Smith admitted. “Now
you all know I love me, so cutting myself in all my fantasy leagues was hard but that guy’s a piece of shit.”
LuvYaSteelBlue has also learned from league sources that Mike Shannahan, coach of the Denver Broncos, will also be named
as the defendant in an upcoming class action law suit due to the fact that he has single handedly destroyed fantasy football
leagues for over a decade with his propensity for playing “Russian Roulette” with his starting running backs.
By – Ron Mexico
www.luvyasteelblue.com
ronmexico@luvyasteelblue.com
This article is satire and not intended as actual news.
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Houston – After the 30–24 victory by the Indianapolis Colts over the Houston Texans, a shocking announcement
was made in regards to another off-field incident that has left another black eye on The League. Well respected play-by-play
announcer, Steve Tasker (former special teams player for the Buffalo Bills), was arrested shortly after the game and charged
with indecent exposure. CBS officials when contacted had no comment on the issue. According to witnesses in the media room,
Steve Tasker was alleged to have exposed himself several times during the course of the game this past Sunday. “I’ve
never seen anything like this in all my years of broadcasting,” Solomon Wilcox said, sadly shaking his head. “At
first I thought I was seeing things but this is just appalling. Every time Peyton Manning came into the game, I noticed him
fidgeting down there but what I saw left me speechless.” When asked exactly what he saw he said, “Let’s
just say that I won’t be eating hotdogs for a long, long time.”
It had been a wide spread rumor amongst members of the media that this occurrence was common-place and that Steve Tasker had
alienated himself from fellow co-workers due to an inability to control himself, especially during NFL broadcasts on Sunday.
There had been several complaints by viewers in the past about Tasker’s penchant for screaming during broadcasts but
apparently his excitement was not exactly due to the events that occurred on the field. When reached for comment Steve Tasker
admitted that this was an issue that he was going to work on. “Look, we all have our problems. I’m no different
than anyone else but I did zip up during halftime.” According to our sources, CBS officials are contemplating releasing
him from his weekly duties as a play-by-play announcer unless he agrees to wear pants (even during Indianapolis Colts games)
and to have both hands around his microphone during broadcasts.
For a different prospective LuvyaSteelBlue contacted a member of the local Houston media who agreed to provide us with insight
on the Steve Tasker scandal as long he remained anonymous. “Listen guys, I’ve been doing radio broadcasts for
a long time and have to admit I got excited after David Ca...I mean our quarterback would make a big play. But fortunately
for me and my partner, there won’t too many big plays made during the course of a season.” Unfortunately this
issue doesn’t appear to be resolved anytime soon.
By – Ron Mexico
www.luvyasteelblue.com
ronmexico@luvyasteelblue.com
This article is satire and not intended as actual news.
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Houston – The ex-quarterback of the upstart Houston Texans decided to honor his childhood idol on the sidelines
during the Carolina Panther’s home opener last Sunday. His subtle gesture raised eyebrows amongst many of his new teammates,
local media, and Carolina Panther fans. “I thought I had lost my damn mind or was seeing things when I first saw him
walking towards the field,” Steve Smith told reporters after Sunday’s stunning loss. “You know, if you
want to blame someone for that loss, it’s got to be David Carr. After seeing him in that get-up on the sidelines it
was hard for the rest of the team to focus.”
Apparently David Carr, a five year veteran, decided that it would be good timing to honor his role model Michael Jackson by
sporting white gloves with what appear to be covered with sparkling diamond studs worn on both hands. Even though the temperature
at kick-off was a mild 75 degrees, Carr still felt the need to wear gloves on the sideline as if he was preparing to enter
the game. When asked if he expected to see some playing time during Sunday’s home opening loss, Carr admitted that
he was actually ecstatic that Jake Delhomme played the entire game. “Do you know how hard it is to keep these things
clean?” Carr admitted. “It took at least 4 hours to glue those pieces of costume jewelry on the fingertips.
But you know what really pisses me off? Not one of my teammates even noticed my new hair-do.” Carr stormed off abruptly,
sauntering down the hall way towards the locker room.
John Fox, the head coach of the Carolina Panthers even admitted that there would have to be a change in strategy if his team
was expected to compete in the NFC South. “We can’t have this happen again. He’s got to keep those gloves
off when he’s on the sidelines and wear a do-rag or something” Fox said. “Our new team motto from now on
is going to be more ‘roids’ and less hair gel. God we should have signed Joey Harrington”.
By – Ron Mexico
www.luvyasteelblue.com
ronmexico@luvyasteelblue.com
This article is satire and not intended as actual news.
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Kansas City – Upon hearing Philadelphia Eagles’ quarterback, Donovan McNabb, proclaim that black quarterbacks
in the NFL were held to higher standards than their white counterparts, soon to be former kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs,
Justin Medlock (pictured below) decided that he has had enough. After barely missing a 30 yard field goal by only 20 feet
with no wind and in a controlled environment against the Houston Texans, the Chiefs signed Dave Rayner to a two-year contract
and relegated Medlock to their practice squad.
“It’s sad that, in 2007, black kickers are still not being given the respect that we deserve,” admitted
Medlock as he filled out applications for the wait staff at the local I.H.O.P. in preparation of his inevitable release.
“I mean, I miss just a few 15 yard field goals during preseason, and shanked a five yard field goal in the first game,
but, I mean, look at Vanderjagt. He’s gotten several chances.”
When reminded that Mike Vanderjagt actually was not currently on an active roster in the NFL and managing the graveyard shift
at the very same restaurant that he was submitting an application to, Medlock’s resolve only grew stronger. “See
what I mean. He’s a freaking manager and I’ll have to wait a few months even to be able to work the grill. I’m
rounding up all of the other black kickers in the league and we’re going to protest this discrimination.” Apparently,
Medlock was also unaware that he was the only black kicker on an active roster. The news startled the young kicker who failed
to realize that most African American football players in the NFL prefer tackling, running, and catching.
We contacted the Kansas City Chief’s long time general manager, Carl Peterson, to ask him about the potentially distracting
situation. “Is he still on our team? I could have sworn we cut him two weeks ago.” Peterson went on to elaborate
on the draft day mishap that led to the Chiefs selecting the kicker from UCLA in the 5th round during this past NFL draft.
“See what happened was, I misread the scouting report. It said 6ft, 200lbs, African American, and UCLA so I figured
this guy has to be an athlete and probably a steal in the fifth round. I completely missed the part about him being a kicker.”
However misguided Medlock’s idea of starting a coalition of black NFL kickers, his cause has not gone unnoticed.
League insiders say that a group of disgruntled NFL quarterbacks are embarking on their own cause and that is to bring to
light the atrocities that face underachieving white NFL quarterbacks. The group’s leadership consists of Ryan Leaf
(San Diego Chargers) , “Commander” Cody Carlson (Houston Oilers), and Rick Mirer (Seattle Sea Hawks). Membership
has apparently increased and it is reported that official induction ceremonies will be held for current NFL veterans David
Carr (Houston Texans), Rex Grossman (Chicago Bears), and Kyle Boller (Baltimore Ravens) in the upcoming weeks of the NFL season.
Watch Out!
By – Ron Mexico
www.luvyasteelblue.com
ronmexico@luvyasteelblue.com
This article is satire and not intended as actual news.
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